are you so shy because you have an std?
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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