I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
