would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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