Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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