In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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