How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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