wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Holy sore nipples Batman
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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