She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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