can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
