He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
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One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
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