2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
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