every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
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