The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
