So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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