We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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