Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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