I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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