Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
