The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
