No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
