There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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