I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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