Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I think your dad took our porno
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
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