you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize