i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
