Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
