she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
