Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize