Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
