This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
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