I skipped work to stalk him.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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