my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
