just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
