Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
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It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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