So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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