he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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