Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
