seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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