Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
