I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Randomize
