You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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