just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
