took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
