your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
