roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
