its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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