I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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