I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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