I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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