I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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