Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
