So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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