I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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