My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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