I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
